How to write gooder 1. Allways use a spel cheker.
2. Avoid long complex sentences which go on and on without using any punctuation to break up the long sentences as this can lead to confusion as people read your text
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) (You mark my words)
4. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
5. Employ the vernacular.
6. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
7. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary (and unwanted).
8. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
9. Contractions aren't necessary.
10. Avoid alliteration. Always.
11. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
12. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
13. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
16. Be more or less specific.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be avoided.
20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
22. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. Understatement is always best.
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Letter of Resignation
Saturday August 30 2008
Pretzel Enterprises
123 Pretzel lane, Pretzelville
Dear Pretzelhead,
This is to formally notify you that I am resigning from Pretzel Enterprises as Jehovah's assistant.
I regret to inform you that today will be my last day of employment.
I want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here,
and for wasting my life in serving a management team who are obviously
inbred.
Sincerely,
The Messiah,
Jehovah's assistant
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An interesting anagram
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
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How to give a cat a pill:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the fuc-ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
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A genuine excerpt from complaints written to Landlords:
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Don't you just want to kick him in the head?
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How to drive other people insane
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address be:'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com' or 'Elvis-the-king@companyname.com'
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing
6) Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.'
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.Once everyone has gotten overtheir caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) Reply to everything someone says with a sneering"That's what you think."
10) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness levellights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it thatway.
12) Don't use any punctuation
13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
14) Ask people what sex they are.
15) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
16) Sing along at the opera.
17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
18) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them whatyou're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
20) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
21) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their,party 'cause you're not in the mood.
22) Leave the photocopier set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17" paper, 99 copies.
23) If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
24) Insist on keeping your car windscreen wipers running in all weather conditions 'to keep them tuned up'.
25) Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and 'cc' them to your boss.
26) Disassemble your pen and 'accidentally' shoot the cartridge across the room.
27) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
28) Staple papers in the middle of the page.
29) Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the till.
30) TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE or iN a ComBinAtIon of UpPeR and lOWerCAsE ChaRACtErS.
31) Try playing the William Tell Overture (the Lone Ranger theme tune) by tapping on the bottom of your chin or your teeth with a pen or your nails. Just before the end, announce: "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat again and again.
32) While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
33) Use the word " like " over and over every 3-4 words. For Example ; ".. and like, he was like - in the car like, and so drunk that like, he couldn't even like get out of it !"
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How do you put Pikachu into a Bus?
Pokemon
What has loads of keys but can't open doors?
A piano
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Tired of those man boobs?
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DONT BOTHER ABOUT READING THE DETAILS OF THE DIET!
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*Diet my cause extreme cases of death..
By Ellece _________________________________________________________
How pointless ._.
